We will all be forgotten

I have a real fear of Dad being forgotten.  That is something I just can't bear.  Yet, when I really think about it, I know we will all be forgotten one day.   The Bible tells us not to love this world because this world is not our home; we are merely passing through.  I know my dad sojourned for almost 94 years, but he is home now, more alive than he ever was here on earth.  That does not mitigate my pain, though.  In time, people will forget him.  In time, those who knew him will pass away, too. There will be no one left to remember him.  But,  he will always be part of every day I tread here on this earth.  I will never forget him. 

Grief and Depression Come in Waves

In the three weeks since Dad died, I have been schooled in grief and the depression that is its Siamese twin.  Grief comes in waves.  I can think I am okay, and in the next moment, I have burst into tears and want to retreat to my bed.  Like this morning....I was washing dishes, looking at the cars backed up outside my window.  Suddenly, I burst into tears with the overpowering feeling of missing Dad.  He was a huge part of my life, all my life.  Certainly, in the last three years since I brought him to my home on June 6, 2019, he was my whole life.  So, here I sit chronicling a vignette about the waves of grief.  It is a way of remembering Dad, a way of honoring him.   #grief   #mourning  #dad

4 Years Cancer-Free: Thanks to Jesus

In May of 2007, I started experiencing the symptoms of colon cancer. In fact, when I went to my doctor 2 weeks later, I told him that. He found I was losing blood so he put me in the hospital on Memorial Day weekend. A cat-scan showed  diverticulitis, so that is what they treated me for until July. I took the doctor's advice and had a colonoscopy on July 5. The next day I was told I had colon cancer, and the rounds of tests began for surgery.

When I was diagnosed with colon cancer, I never asked, "Why me?", like some might. I saw it as another obstacle in life we are handed. We all have them; some are larger than others. That first weekend (I got the diagnosis on Friday.) I was worried. What happens to my son if I die? His father had moved back to his home state without a word five years earlier. There was no way of getting in contact with him. My parents were 76 and 79.

The morning of the surgery, Wednesday the 11th, I woke up in the night to go to the bathroom. As I lay back down, a peace came over me. I had a vision, a picture. It was the only one I've ever had. There was Jesus wearing a white robe on a white horse. He had a spear in one hand. I was behind him, and behind me were faceless people. I knew then that I was going to be ok. That was God reasssuring me because Jesus was leading me into battle, and behind me were prayer warriors: people from my school, my parents, and people from church.

The surgeon biopsied 19 lymph nodes and they were all clear. I was cancer-free. Nevertheless, he said I needed chemo as a precaution. More than a month after surgery, I started chemo. I lost much of my hair, but I survived...Thanks to Jesus.

Security

Some of you will remember that about 7 months ago I caught a burglar in my backyard before he was able to get in. This morning I woke up to find the back of my house had been egged. Actually, they didn't do a very good job as there were a couple on the roof, but the rest were smashed in the yard or patio...and there was one whole egg. I have a privacy fence, so the baseball players (my suspects) either through them from the fence or scaled it to come into the yard. Sadly, it is time to invest in a security system.

Farewell My Friend

My precious twenty-year-old friend of 17.5 years is gone. Baby had been declining in the last week. I could tell it would not be long since she had signs of kidney failure. She, along with her sissy Snowy, got me through chemo. They both became very loving, and in the last 7 mos. since her sissy passed of the same disease, she had become my shadow. If I was at the computer, she was in my lap; if I was on the couch, she was either in my lap or across my neck. She slept with me every night, usually on the pillow above my head whereby in the morning when she thought I should be up, she would often lick my eyelids. She will be so greatly missed.

Stress

Stress is a terrible thing. This week has been unusually stressful at work; consequently, I have been breaking out in hives for two days. This has happened to me before--last year and earlier this year--when craziness reigned. Tuesday morning when my A.P. saw my neck, he prayed for me. My science comrade happened to have Benedryl, so that helped. I had to buy some on the way home from work, though, because I broke out again after a parent conference about my son. Today at work, they were back with a vengeance. God tells us not to have a spirit of fear and that fear is not of Him. It is so hard, though, to remain optimistic where I work.

Burdened

I don't sleep well at night. There are several reasons for that. Work is unnecessarily stressful, but more than that, I am burdened. My mind is constantly thinking of/worried over my unsaved son, parents, friends. I am so inadequate at sharing the Gospel. I see people in my path as saved or unsaved; yet, I feel powerless to do anything.

Resolutions

I usually do not make resolutions because I haven't been able to keep them in the past. However, I have a different outlook this year. This has been the year I finished chemo, had my second (and hopefully last) surgery, and my hair grew back. I am looking forward now. I have just a few resolutions for 2009: (not in any particular order)

1. Lose the chemo weight. I started chemo 18 months ago at 116 pounds and gained up to 150 during the process. My downfall is sweets. I have not had any since Christmas day and have lost 2 pounds!
2. Exercise at Curves faithfully 3 times a week
3. Make a more regimented Bible time daily
4. Refuse to let work interfere in my life
5. Put more money to debt relief

Being Truly Blessed

As I clicked on Fox News' website this morning, I read with great sadness that Tony Snow had died of colon cancer after a long battle. Many of you may not know who he is unless you're a news junkie like me, but he was Bush's White House Press Secretary before having to resign due to his illness. I hear so much about people dying of colon cancer, yet I didn't. I cry every time I hear of someone dying from it. Tony Snow had his entire colon removed; I only had a section removed with the tumor. When I lay in the hospital last July, Tammy Faye Bakker Messner died after a *ten year* battle with it. She was a shell of herself as I watched her on Larry King Live just days before her death. 18 months ago a colleague at work's father died after it had spread throughout his body. Both he and Tammy Faye didn't go to the doctor right after their symptoms; I don't know about Mr. Snow.

The key here is to know your body and get to the doctor as soon as anything changes--a mole, bowel habits, a lump. I am so blessed and I know that, especially since the doctor said my 7cm. tumor had probably been growing 7-10 years, which means it started in my 30s. The cancer center will monitor my blood every three months for 3 years and then less often after that. I will have a colonoscopy a year for 3 years.

Handling What We Are Given

When I was diagnosed with colon cancer last July, I never asked, "Why me?", like some might. I saw it as another obstacle in life we are handed. We all have them; some are larger than others. That first weekend (I got the diagnosis on Friday.) I was worried. What happens to my son if I die? His father had moved back to his home state without a word five years earlier. There was no way of getting in contact with him. My parents were 76 and 79.

The morning of the surgery, Wednesday the 11th, I woke up in the night to go to the bathroom. As I lay back down, a peace came over me. I had a vision, a picture. It was the only one I've ever had. There was Jesus wearing a white robe on a white horse. He had a spear in one hand. I was behind him, and behind me were faceless people. I knew then that I was going to be ok. That was God reasssuring me because Jesus was leading me into battle, and behind me were prayer warriors: people from my school, my parents, and people from church.

The surgeon biopsied 19 lymph nodes and they were all clear. I was cancer-free. Nevertheless, he said I needed chemo as a precaution. More than a month after surgery, I started chemo. I will write about that in another post.

Learning to Take One Day at a Time

Today I decided to take the plunge and try my hand at my own blog. I find such inspiration from reading the blogs of a few women from church. I am a divorced mother of one 14 year-old son. I am a one year cancer survivor as of today. Last May I started having the symptoms of colon cancer and went to my doctor after two weeks. He put me in the hospital Memorial Day weekend because my hemoglobin was so low (8.5). A cat-scan showed diverticulitus. I went ahead and taught summer school in June but still didn't feel well. The surgeon said I needed a colonoscopy. I had that done July 5 and on the 6th I went to see the surgeon. He told me I had colon cancer. I was 44 years-old. I remember staring at his ceiling in disbelief as he droned on about surgery. He sent me right to the hospital for pre-op tests. I would have surgery on July 11. I immediately called my dad and told him; then I called a co-worker whose father had just died of colon cancer that had spread all over his body. She rushed over and went with me to the hospital for what would be 4 hours of tests.